This is hard now...

I guess it's always been hard, having babies so close together but at first it was more physically hard - when James was one and John-Mark was a newborn the difficulty was trying to make sure they were both fed, bathed, and dressed and everyone was getting some rest. Ofcourse there are different seasons we go through but today this thought kept running through my head, "this is really hard now!" I think now it's no longer just physically hard but mentally even more so. Really, Benjamin is the easiest in the crew right now. But now I have three very smart, verbal, questioning, repeating, challenging, squabbling, affectionate, needy toddlers/pre-schoolers. I am aware more than ever that what I do and say really matters - for the good and bad. I cringe when I hear one of my babies yell at the other in frustration or talk to me with a tone of irritation because I know they have learned this from me :( Many nights when Jeremy gets home (usually around 7:45 - long day for both of us) I am so mentally and physically drained that we practically high five in the hall as I am heading to bed to do some mindless reading and collapse for the day. In any five minutes of the day I can be refilling water cups, grabbing snacks, cleaning up, breaking up a squabble, helping someone potty, holding someone that needs a little extra mommy time, picking up clothes, changing some ones clothes, grabbing the laundry, playing a game, answering a question, disciplining one or all of them, saying no then yelling no - and on and on. I'm not writing this to complain - it's more about my abilities than any issue with my family. I am thankful beyond words for each one of them. The "doing" of all these things isn't the hard part - it's doing them in a way that pleases the Lord. In a way that is showing my precious babies what true love really looks like, leading them to Him. I am officially at the end of me and my abilities to do all of this. More than ever I am praying minute by minute for help. Help to be patient, speak kindly, not loose it, not miss opportunities with my children before I blink and they are teenagers and I'm in a whole other kind of hard work :) It's always been so hard for me to relinquish control of anything in my life but I am finally in a place where I no longer have a choice and I honestly am so thankful. It's really an answer to years of prayer. So, while it is still really hard, I know I am right where He would have me be. He has blessed with 4 beautifully perfect children and He loves them so much more than even I do (which is AMAZING) and He has plans for them and He is going to help me, equip me, love me, and direct me in everything I need.

On a lighter note... We have been trying to get a family picture for our Christmas cards - I think it might be easier to solve the financial crisis than get 4 (well, really 3) kids to look at the camera and smile naturally! I had a friend come and take some and she called yesterday and said we need a re-shoot because James is making this crazy scrunched up "smile" face in every picture so I decided to try a quick little photo shoot at home - here is what I got. (The picture in our header was taken one night after they all got their new Christmas pj's my mom made them - which has become a tradition- and I wanted a quick pic by the tree - it has turned out to be the best one I've taken so far and may be the one to make it on the Christmas card if things keep going like the pictures below - enjoy :)